He directed only one word at me, and I lost it. And it wasn’t because I had noticed him staring at me the whole time.
After the n* word, the b* word, and the c* word, this one really gets under my skin.
“Smile.”
When a single word is followed by a period, it’s a command. Like “sit” or “stay” – commands you’d give a dog.
I add extra offensive points when it’s a white man saying it to me. I add even more offensive points when he says it to me in a public space within the hearing of other people.
This guy was doubly extra.
Let’s call him Chad.
In keeping with the “dog theme” I unleashed on him.
“Why!? Why should I smile on demand because YOU think that’s what I should be doing!? You don’t know me!”
As my voice rose with each word and my eyes flashed, he nervously adjusted his collar and glanced around at the other people who were taking notice, but pretending not to. It’s amazing how quickly every single person can have a ton of texts to go through on their smartphone when Black women are fending for ourselves.
Turning back to me, he managed to squeeze out a half-hearted and sarcastic apology. It was obvious that his intention was only to shut me up in order to not draw any further attention to himself. No real remorse.
“Jeez. Sorry. What’s the big deal?”
It’s a sentiment we’ve come to expect from folks who are clueless about our being on the receiving end of ongoing cumulative microaggressions. Daily.
In that moment, to ME it was a super-sized deal, a deal on steroids, a clueless, careless, thoughtless deal. And I’m willing to bet that no stranger has ever demanded from Chad that he smile.
I can predict the narrative that was likely going on inside his head. I’ll spare you the details, but let’s just say that based on his sneer he was checking the box on that n* word, b* word, and c* word.
In his mind, there was no way he could be the issue. It had to be me. Clearly, I had offended him by standing in my own personhood and exercising ownership of it, minding my own business, and thinking my own thoughts while wearing a facial expression of my own choosing.
If only I had smiled obediently at him with a sparkle in my eyes and a slow-motion breeze tousling my hair. Perhaps then he would have been satisfied and none of this would have ever happened.
There are a series of historical and present-day memos that Chad was not copied on. If he had been, he’d know that…
- we are not property
- we are not compelled to “obey” or “comply”
- we are not “decorative” or “ornamental” for your pleasure
- we might abandon our restraint and give you what you deserve
In the Workplace
My encounter with Chad was in a public space. If the “smile & look pretty rule” can rear its head in public from a stranger, consider the workplace environment with a defined power hierarchy.
Though the “rule” isn’t explicit, its shadow remnant still shows up— a holdover from the days of strict adherence to racial and gender norms. For Black women in particular, even an inch of deviation from the “rule” can cause us to be cast as “the angry Black woman,” a damaging and career-limiting trope that is virtually impossible to overcome once the label is bestowed by the power majority.
When we speak up and advocate for ourselves, we are “violating” the smile & look pretty rule.
When we express a difference of opinion, we are “violating” the smile & look pretty rule.
When we assert what we want without waffling, we are “violating” the smile & look pretty rule.
Do you see where this is going?
To “smile & look pretty” is to agree to surrender pieces of ourselves for no reason other than to adapt and fit the dominant conception of how we should show up.
To “smile & look pretty” is to agree with and be agents of our own marginalization, our own oppression.
We can’t afford to “smile & look pretty.”
The evidence is in. Those with the strongest sense of outrage are those marginalized. Those who benefit from the system have no sense of urgency to upend it.
It’s relatively rare for Black women to have people advocating for us. We’ve been primarily advocating for ourselves.
Think back to Chad’s reaction to me—”What’s the big deal?” Not only was it a gaslighting maneuver, but it betrays one of several lurking elephants in the workplace.
What of those who think like Chad, who look like Chad?
Chads who hold positions of power make judgment calls and decisions that negatively impact us—decisions that have become “unofficial” de facto policies within already existing inequitable structures and systems.
Only Those Who “Smile & Look Pretty” Need Apply
Our potential for career mobility in white male-dominated spaces or in white-dominated spaces can be a matter of how we are perceived and regarded. That these “unspoken” three questions are part of how we are assessed for opportunities, projects, and promotions reveal how much more work there is to do in ridding the workplace of patriarchal virtue-signaling.
- Does she know “her place”?
- Does she operate by “norms” and “the rules”?
- Does she make our male customers/clients “comfortable”?
This kind of criteria overshadows actual performance, skills, and experience. It perpetuates inequities.
The “Fix” Is In
Before I left corporate for good many years ago, I and several women were sent off to attend a series of special classes to be “fixed.”
Of course, they didn’t call it “being fixed.” They called it “Leadership Development for Women.” My experience with it was more like “lead her” through the assimilation process.
The cohort was comprised of mostly white women, a few non-Black POC women, and me. Even in this group, I still ended up being “the only.”
I remember that they included a segment especially for us non-white women so that we would know specifically how we were expected to behave and show up in white spaces. Nice. Kind. Pleasant. Capable. Assertive was okay as long as there was no danger of being perceived as aggressive or threatening. Blah, blah, blah.
I remember sitting there thinking, “Damn. I’ve already ‘relaxed’ my hair, and that’s enough. Now they want to ‘relax’ me into a performing and controllable ‘smile & look pretty’ negro.”
Yeah, leadership development for women. Good times.
I lasted exactly one year.
The company made no investment in fixing their policies or practices or even addressing a culture that “necessitated” women being “fixed” and then women leaving.
They seemed clueless about the pattern. Recruit and hire women. “Fix” the women. Watch the women quit. Recruit and hire women…..
They did get plenty of smiling from me though on the day I gave my two-week’s notice. I don’t know whether they thought I was “pretty” or not, but I sure felt pretty that day.
Not only were they keenly unaware of the inequities, but they were missing a key ingredient. The culture lacked a willingness to listen.
And because of it, there was no way leadership would acknowledge that they and certain others were benefitting from the system and didn’t want to lose those benefits – even when the harm to others was clear.
Resistance and opposition are so entrenched. It’s much more comfortable and expedient to keep “fixing” us to “smile & look pretty”
To the Chads of the Workplace
Progress doesn’t happen until certain mindsets are abandoned. What “norms” are you holding on to instead of consciously countering them?
Try confronting yourself with these questions:
- With what Black women are you uncomfortable? Why?
- What Black women contradict your assumptions?
- With what Black women don’t you work well? Why?
Try challenging yourself with these actions:
- Publicly commend the work and achievements of Black women.
- Seek to be mentored/coached by a Black woman.
- Enlist others in creating safe spaces for Black women to be heard.
- Lobby for more Black women in leadership positions.
- Endorse a Black woman for an open position.
If you are not exercising the fullness of your influence and position to right wrongs, then you are a problem for someone somewhere at this very moment. Guaranteed.
Combatting your ignorance, abandoning your apathy, desiring to learn and unlearn, moving to act when it counts—all this makes you part of the solution.
And who knows—your actions might just make us feel like smiling…maybe.
*********************
Is your organization ready to #DoTheWork of anti-racism and inclusion?
Watch a demo of “DOING THE HEART WORK OF ANTI-RACISM AND INCLUSION™️”. https://deibytmr.thinkific.com/
It includes the “Exploding the Myth of Diversity” Lesson. Peace and blessings to you. 🙏🏽 \o/ tmr
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