Sunday, June 26, was just like any other day in the life of a Black woman’s DMs and inmails, aka additional spaces on the platform where we typically receive racist and bigoted vitriol, ad hominem attacks, sleazy pick-up lines, etc.

On this particular Sunday, as is sometimes my habit the day after Sabbath, I was getting a head-start on the work week by going through my messages and sorting each in the appropriate category—save for later, respond, delete, block, etc.

One message really caught my attention.

It was from a now-former connection that I’ll call SWIAC—she-wolf in ally clothing—who racially identifies as white and who initially self-presented as an ally.

As a connection at the time, SWIAC had the ability to comment on my post but opted to send me the following message in which she quoted back to me my response to a Black woman’s comment on my post because she did not approve of it. Before the “parsing” of her private message to me, I’d like you to have a look at it in its entirety. What you conclude about her message, about her, about me, about allyship, or about the state of anti-Black racism will help to reveal where you are in your own journey.

Direct Message from SWIAC

 I don’t think this is a fair statement:

“Our minds are in sync in this moment. I am seeing all of these posts of rage from white women in particular who have NOT had this rage before when it comes to racism. A few have even ghosted me, but I guess now with my uterus status, I may be of use to them. 🙄🤨 \o/ tmr”

 I also don’t like being grouped in the “white people” category. There are many groups of white people and my group has experienced discrimination too. Yes different than you, but it gives us insight and awareness. I often agree and support much of what you post but sometimes I feel like your anger toward white people puts all of us in one group in a way that can be offensive too. There are many of us from different backgrounds who strongly believe that the racism and injustice in this country and beyond is unfair and we do not support it. We are not quiet when someone makes a racist joke or comment. We cried and we /are deeply disturbed by what happened to George Floyd and too many others. With this post you did above, I just don’t see how it’s constructive. I did not want to post this publicly out of respect. You seem like a thoughtful person. But part of doing anti racism and inclusive work is to not isolate people who are supportive of your mission.

SWIAC’s Message That Includes Translation

I don’t think this is a fair statement: [You are not painting white women in a favorable light.]

“Our minds are in sync in this moment. I am seeing all of these posts of rage from white women in particular who have NOT had this rage before when it comes to racism. A few have even ghosted me, but I guess now with my uterus status, I may be of use to them. 🙄🤨 \o/ tmr”

I also don’t like being grouped in the “white people” category. [I want the advantages of whiteness without the label created for me by white people to distinguish us as white people.]

There are many groups of white people and my group has experienced discrimination too. Yes different than you, but it gives us insight and awareness. [As a white woman, I face discrimination too and it’s just as valid as what you face. My discrimination experience means I have knowledge and expertise on what your discrimination is like.]

I often agree and support much of what you post but sometimes I feel like your anger toward white people puts all of us in one group in a way that can be offensive too. [I have tried my best to be patient with you and your views, but now you’ve gone too far in how you talk about your lived experiences. I’m sure you don’t want us to view you as the “angry Black woman.”]

There are many of us from different backgrounds who strongly believe that the racism and injustice in this country and beyond is unfair and we do not support it. [There are plenty of us good white folks in this country who sit and think all the time about how what’s happening to you negroes is not fair.]

We are not quiet when someone makes a racist joke or comment. We cried and we /are deeply disturbed by what happened to George Floyd and too many others. [I’ll group myself with the “we white people” category in this instance, though, to say that I’ve interrupted a few racist jokes, and I cried and was very upset about George Floyd. This qualifies me as an anti-racist ally because it shows I’ve put in the work.]

With this post you did above, I just don’t see how it’s constructive. [You are not making me and other people feel good. You’re making things too uncomfortable for me.]

I did not want to post this publicly out of respect. You seem like a thoughtful person. [I want to give you another chance. You seem to be a reasonable negro that will respond well to my correction. I also don’t want to get the other negroes upset over my comment to you, so I am sending this comment to your inbox. You all can so easily misunderstand our intent.]

But part of doing anti racism and inclusive work is to not isolate people who are supportive of your mission. [Try better next time to not make us feel so uncomfortable. Good white people like me can be very supportive of your work if you would abide by the tenets of anti-racism and inclusivity that we establish and that work best for us in maintaining the status-quo.]

What Happened Next

After reading and “translating” SWIAC’s message, I decided to try something different. The message below will clue you in on the “something different.”

Hello SWIAC. In response to your message…

4. please examine why you have not progressed in your journey beyond the “not all white women” reaction
5. my issue is with the system of whiteness and it’s mostly the case, via the evidence, that whiteness is equated with white people (another basic that real allies understand)
6. reflect on the real reason you chose to privately “scold” me in a private message though you are open to comment on my post as a connection
7. In the meantime, I am including the full extent of your comments below and including a close circle of intersectional folks I highly respect and who have been consistent in their advocacy and allyship so that if they are willing, they might be generous and gracious to provide you with additional thoughts beyond the three points I have just made. Why am I doing this? Because a part of me feels like you are reachable and coachable. Please know that I and others have gone over the same ground over and over again that your message typifies. If… IF…..the folks on this message are so inclined to enlighten you via this group thread, I’d be interested to hear directly from you again. In the meantime, I will be removing you as a connection (not blocking you though) until you demonstrate you are ready to be a part of my network. \o/ tmr

And Then This Happened

My council of women, all of whom are gracious and transparent about their journey, rose to the challenge. (I am respecting the privacy of each one of them and will not identity them by name.) Here’s what happened when Voice 1 reached out to engage with SWIAC:

Voice 1:I’m spending this day very deliberately avoiding emotional triggers, but I’m open to messaging with you another time. My immediate advice: sit and breathe and journal about this exchange. Resist defensiveness. I’m a white woman who has been on the journey of antiracism for a long time and it’s a never-ending journey. Sending everyone peaceful vibes today.

SWIAC:First of all I’m not scolding you I was telling you a reaction. And it was meant to be private as I was trying to be respectful and not make my reaction public but to have a one to one conversation. I’m allowed to have an opinion.

Voice 1:Oh, well. I rescind. Defense and attack isn’t it. Have a good Sunday all.

SWIAC: I’m not feeling defensive I think it’s important to hear people’s opinions especially people who completely support anti-racism. There are many perspectives and you can still support that. I really do not wanna engage in this and I don’t think it’s cool that I was put in a group when I was trying to be respectful and I feel like I didn’t get that in return so please do not respond.

.. scene. Just like that, SWIAC gathered up her “toys” and “verbal tears,” and promptly left the group.

There’s So Much to Unpack

Whew……where do I even start? There’s not even a translation needed.

First, let me tell the world a few things that I think you should know. I keep a WWW list—white women to watch list. Seriously, I do. I’m now in my late fifties, and my lived experiences with white girls from my childhood, with white women graduate students at Cornell, with a white woman roommate at Cornell, with white women colleagues in the workplace, with white women managers, with white women PERIOD have been like a hell on earth.

That’s the truth. That is my lived experience.

And it’s also the tame version for the purposes of this newsletter.

I keep a WWW list not because I’m “divisive” or “racist.” I keep it for survival, for protection. I rarely trust white women based on many, many, many prior experiences. I am pragmatically cautious.

Perhaps there are those of us that will not understand it when I say that white women as a demographic represent more danger to me as a Black woman than any other demographic. IYKYK.

I’ve been on the receiving end of their “extra” way too many times.

If a person has been bitten by german shepherds even just 5 times over their lifetime, wouldn’t it make sense that they would then be cautious around and suspect of any german shepherd?

I’m still getting bitten.

And my last “bite” wasn’t the one I’m writing about from Sunday, June 26.

DMs and inmails are the shadows where under the guise of “ally,” SWIACs chastise, scold, and police us. Because they do it in private, they think it makes them more civil and enlightened than the racist and bigoted brutes that attack us openly on the newsfeed.

I prefer the open attacks over the sly and cunning “good” ones that wear heels and lipstick, and smile.

A Few Historical “Tidbits” to Consider

White women played an “important” role in the oppression of our female ancestors. Though idolized as the “genteel sex,” white women were known to heap terrible abuse on enslaved Black women when they thought no one else was looking. In other words, white women served up their abuse behind closed doors so as to maintain the “illusion” that the “messy business” of controlling the enslaved belonged to white men and not the white mistress.

In addition to being punished by white women for being repeatedly raped by their husbands, our enslaved female ancestors were also brutalized by white women for any talk considered “sass talk,” not “reverent enough,” and “not knowing our place.”

White women used cunning and manipulation to forge inauthentic “bonds” with enslaved Black women, sometimes making promises of help to our ancestors—with the aim, however, of serving their own best interests in a patriarchal system. The characters of Kizzy and Missy Anne in the docudrama series Roots were not born of imagination. They were actualized tropes that captured a well-known dynamic which exists between white women and Black women.  

About SWIAC

I’ve been processing and trying to figure out how to write this edition since Sunday. The timing of SWIAC’s private message to me is especially relevant based on the dynamic we’re experiencing with white women’s “demands” and “expectations” of Black women regarding the overturning of RvW.

I initially went down a path that I have reconsidered—one that would have made this more a book than an article. And so I’ve opted instead to provide a mix of…

• soundbites from the council-of-voices thread which we kept going despite SWIAC’s departure
• some of my thinking and observations outside of the council-of-voices thread

My hope is that true aspiring allies and true allies in progress will (re)discover valuable learning from our voices. (I had asked everyone to still, if willing, provide their thoughts as if SWIAC were still on the thread. Thus, you will read some comments addressed to her directly, and some addressed generally to the group.)

I remain deeply grateful for their generosity of sharing and investment of their time, a request I made of them at the last minute without advance warning. They more than rose to the occasion. What a gift!

So, in no particular order, “this is us”….

• Instead of using the correction as an opportunity to learn, white women will double down and mobilize all their energy to deflect and negate correction by any means necessary. I call it a whiteness preservation system (WPS™) that will not allow a “concession” to Blackness that gives the impression that a Black woman is more knowledgeable and better equipped to speak to certain issues. They would rather go silent and separate themselves from us than work through the discomfort of their learning and unlearning missteps. SWIAC genuinely believed that I should have thanked her for “setting me straight.” That I gave her a response different from what she thought she was “entitled” to, she considered it my disrespect of HER. This is a carry-over mindset from the legacy of slavery. When her “fragile” feelings got hurt, she disappeared. Poof. I’ve not heard anything from her since. She-wolfs in ally clothing tend to do this—Before they complete the last act in their performance, leave the show, and exit stage right, they manage to deliver a soliloquy and center themselves one last time. “I’m allowed to have an opinion. I don’t think it’s cool that I was put in a group when I was trying to be respectful and I feel like I didn’t get that in return so please do not respond.” Oh, boo-hoo. This is not how true allies in it for the long haul respond to truth, feedback, or correction. SWIACs don’t have the staying power or the thick skin for anti-racism. They’d rather gather all their “toys” and storm out the room in a huff. The only part of allying they do well is that lying part. (\o/ tmr)
• It’s an act of cowardice and an attempt to control or silence your message for SWIAC to privately message you with a chastising, finger-wagging, condescending message like you’re not a well-informed well-grown woman. The white tears here are real, and they’re a sign of white guilt. SWIAC, have the courage to speak publicly about how you’re experiencing Theresa’s post or keep your unhelpful comments to yourself. Also, don’t say in private what you don’t want made public. (Voice 2)
• She wanted to tell a Black woman how to conceptualize her experience with whiteness in America—but not have friends and allies pile on her, so she tried it in DMs. Peak caucacity. She’s not interested in changing. She’s interested in preserving her white privilege at our expense. (Voice 2)
• I tried to allow for the “teachable” possibility. I really did. Her dictating how Theresa should talk about racism in a DM is harmful. I had hoped she might pause and think, but coming back with the DARVO shit right out of the gate….nah. She just wanted cookies. (Voice 1)
• Hi SWIAC. I used to feel and think the same things you wrote Theresa about. I considered myself an ally and an expert. I found, through extreme listening, that I had no idea the breadth and depth of the issue and I continue to be challenged in my learning. I would be open to a call if you are interested. There is a ladder of understanding that we all need to climb. And if we’re white, it is simply a matter of fact that there are more rungs to go. Join us! (Voice 3) 
• I really thought SWIAC would be reachable. However she made it perfectly clear in her rebuttal that she was doubling down and throwing in some DARVO to boot. She totally missed what an opportunity this was to extend to her what would be a free-of-charge “master class” from various perspectives. Beyond the basics that she still hasn’t grasped, not distinguishing intent from impact is among the many wrong turns she took. (\o/ tmr)
• Whiteness has hurdles, but one of them is learning. Bumps and bruises are how we learn to ride the bike. No matter what I am mixed with, I’m still white to the world, so I’m always also white. Personally, in my eyes allyship also means holding space for someone, even when they’re angry, and especially when they have those unpleasant feelings come up. If she can’t take the heat, she’s not ready. There’s an accountability factor that is necessary. I have a friend who had an awful experience with white blondes, so it took her time to trust me. We can’t say we’re allies if we don’t give time for that trust to build, and if it’s not there it’s not because of Black people, it’s because of white ones messing up the chance to show we can be trusted to begin with. (Voice 4)
• We often experience toxic DARVO from people like SWIAC who try under the guise of “educating” us (on how to make whiteness more comfortable with our activist statements), but really meaning to silence or temper us. That motive is clear to us. (Voice 2)
• This racial caste system has produced mass cluelessness and glaring white self-centering. Imagine if white women used some of that energy they direct at Black women and actually join in the fight to dismantle a system that hurts them as well. The fight has always needed to be bigger. And it would be bigger if everybody holding “verbal commitment chips” would “cash them in” already…for action. (\o/ tmr)
• One point that stood out to me: the use of the word “constructive”. That’s a common critique that I think stems from the same cultural orientation as the “professional” label. Red flag. It’s like a sugar-coated form of intimidation. And the complete lack of self-awareness is also common. The spiritual immaturity to demand people who are oppressed to cater to your feelings and then be defensive when you’re called out on it. It’s white supremacy, but it’s also not particularly sophisticated in its manifestation. Which is why I was foreseeing the predictability of DARVO and trying to encourage her to sit and wait. But when people don’t have authentically good intentions at growth….yeah no. (Voice 1)
•  Sounds like SWIAC is not reachable. This part clearly demonstrates she is deeply ignorant of how much she is upholding whiteness and white violence: “I often agree and support much of what you post but sometimes I feel like your anger toward white people puts us all in one group in a way that can be offensive too.” (Voice 5)
• Here’s the thing a lot of white people do not consider. Slavery stole from them too. Whiteness erased their actual identity and clumped them all into whiteness. Trying to remove yourself from whiteness is like trying to remove salt from the earth. Whiteness stole empathy from many because it didn’t require many to have it. It’s why for many white people it’s the hardest thing for them to conceptualize even if they say they have it. Outside of the actual training is the spiritual work many need to do. SWIAC wants to appear to be an ally without actually being one. Her attempt to straighten you out went horribly wrong. I’m here to share with any who wants to learn. (Voice 6)
• Too many white people who call themselves allies try to other their whiteness. You can’t. Whiteness is socialized into you. You’re no different from other white people in your beliefs. You may be different in your practice or non-practice of those beliefs, but your socialization typically is the same. Quit trying to other your whiteness and just be better humans and acknowledge that whiteness screwed you too. (Voice 6)
• Socialized, and the level of subliminal messaging in whiteness we subconsciously soak in is just… Ugh. It’s like a damn cult. There’s this documentary on Netflix called “The Family” and it goes into a lot of detail about socialization and conditioning, and it is horrifying. Indoctrination begins at birth, if not before. Conservative families are even worse. All those secret societies and deep connected families. Supremacy. It’s all connected. (Voice 4)
• I am an antiracist. I say that with determination and conviction. I am also white, born and raised in the US. Unfortunately, that means I am also a product of the systemic racism and white supremacy that runs through the veins of this country. I was a NOT Racist for a much longer time than I have been an antiracist. As committed as I am to antiracism, I still fall into old habits and ways of thinking. Sometimes I am fortunate to have people in my life who are willing to check me. Other times, I will be scrolling through old conversations and discover I have a message from LinkedIn User. In other words, someone has decided that I have finally caused enough harm that they have decided to walk away. Regardless, someone has seen me for who I am and they have believed me. SWIAC was a connection. She had seen enough of Theresa’s posts and comments to know that being a “not ALL white women” wouldn’t fly. And still she chose to slither into DMs and respectfully offer constructive criticism to a “thoughtful” person. I read that comment as Theresa being “not like all the other Black people.” If I were Theresa, that would have been my cue not to call in, but to block. And I would have hit that block button without hesitation or reservation. Not all who claim to be allies really are. Even those of us who really are, are prone to revert to ways that cause harm. With new connections whom I converse with more, I offer the following: Your safety and peace are of upmost importance to me. While I appreciate correction when I make a misstep, please never feel obligated to offer said correction. Rather, I ask that you protect your peace. At any time that you feel the need, do not hesitate to walk away, to block me without explanation. It is my hope that all connections will take this tac, especially when someone like SWIAC slithers into your DMs. (Voice 7)
• SWIAC, a week ago you commented on a quote stating that, “you loved this quote —it is so true!” And guess what…it’s applicable to this context. “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” – Viktor Frankl Psychologist. Theresa has provided you with an opportunity to employ the very social media quote and message that you found value in. As white women, we will continue to make missteps towards antiracism. We will on this journey have times where we fall down and it will feel extremely uncomfortable. Like you were, we will be triggered with an emotional response. In those times, when you feel singled out, step back and reflect on why you feel so triggered before sending a DM. Reflect on the root cause of that emotion within you. What is it about you that has you riled by this statement? Revisit the quotes, posts, and images that you like on your social media pages. Ask yourself the questions, am I liking these items to portray a certain social persona or am I truly committed to putting in the work of continuous learning to become antiracist? You’ve been presented with a “…challenge to change yourself.” Are you capable of stepping up to that challenge? As a person that, “solves problems by transforming complex information and data into UX design and graphic design solutions”, employ these skills on your transformative journey of continuous learning…change your personal design. Transformative learning is your first step on that journey! (Voice 8) 
• It takes humility for someone to say, “I’ve got something to learn here.” This kind of humility is one of the keys to long-term growth. The older we get and the more we’ve been at something, the harder it can be to admit that we still have things to learn. The temptation for aspiring allies is to believe that when you get to what you believe is an “arrival point,” you’ve learned all you need to learn and get to “graduate.” No. It doesn’t work like that. That is neither true learning nor true allyship. (\o/ tmr)

Blaxhaustion™ is not just a catchy phrase.

I coined the term Blaxhaustion in order to capture the uniqueness of the lived experiences of Black people, with a special focus on Black women. The primary use of the term coupled with “Karens” in the title of my last book got the book permanently banned from being promoted on Instagram and garnered me loads of “special attention” from the “professional segment” of LinkedIn’s members.

I chalked it up to…judging a book by its color…because you know….racism.

I don’t have all the answers in terms of what the future holds for the state of anti-Black racism in this country or for anti-Black racism educators who literally put our lives, livelihoods, and well-being on the line.

This I know…..

Of the five levels from 5 to 1…

Black people, and Black women in particular, are at DEFCON 1 (defense-ready condition), which means “sound the alarm.”

We are at war. We are being attacked. “This ain’t no ‘friendly fire.'” IYKYK

And this I also know..…

I descend from a people that when told to keep our voices quiet, instead our voices RISE and RISE and RISE.

Thank you for reading this far. Peace and blessings to you on your journey of continuous learning.

“You cannot expect your feelings to be the center of someone else’s struggle…Sometimes it simply isn’t your turn to be the focus of the conversation.” -Mikki Kendall